MURGATROYD THE MONSTER (A NORTHERN NOIR)

by Andrew Liles

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craig andrews
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craig andrews really excellent! the language, voices and production all add up to a phenomenally entertaining album!
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about

This recording was originally released for Record Store Day in 2013. It was issued by Blackest Rainbow Records on clear vinyl in an edition of 300 copies. It appears here for the first time digitally.

The album is inspired by film noir, Yorkshire and Lancashire dialect and slang and the excellent Red Riding (a television adaptation of author David Peace’s Red Riding Quartet).

The album can and should be considered as part radio play, part celebration of northern English culture and an appreciation of language. The words are included in the 'lyrics' of each track to confuse and bemuse the listener.

HEROINE: ALEX JAKO
MURGATROYD: M. S .WALDRON
DREAMER: MATT TAYLOR
CELLO: KATIE CHATBURN

credits

released January 24, 2017

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about

Andrew Liles UK

Andrew Liles is a prolific solo artist, producer, remixer & sometime member of Nurse With Wound and Current 93. He has been recording since the mid 80's & has appeared on well over 200 releases.

This site is primarily dedicated to ensuring rare & out of print recordings can still be heard, previews of new releases, live shows & exclusive material that is tailored toward this digital format.
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Track Name: Setting Scene
SETTING SCENE

It were another ice cold night in Keighley
East of the city of the dead, the murdered
On the corpse road, cobbles worn thin by crippled packhorses
Sanjeev had gone out in the fog, hunting, grooming
By the light of the silvery moon, full to the brim, swooning
Under flimsy clouds, humming a brass band tune

Another day of stabbings and twattings
Moss eaten dry stone walls, wet crevices and sticky cracks
Vomit winds its way, building from a watery puddle into a stream
Broken bottles, fish, chips, mushy peas and screams
Watery, milky juice from mini-skirt dreams

A regular evening of misery
In another dirty, hostelry of hostility
Another day that's dowly
That plods on... hourly

Curry sauce, pickled onions and eggs
Click clacking of clogs, tip tapping segs
Pigeons fly home over hills far from Bingley or Batley
On tops or in the valleys, street urchins and scallies
Burnt oven bottom baps, a sickly slice of Parkin
Barm cake, another flat bottle of pop
You get nowt for out, and that's not a lot

Go to the foot of our stairs
Take the Stannah to the stars
Threadbare carpets and rusty cars
Dog fur soured and the stench of aunties hankie. Pankie
Three bar electric fire and unscrupulous funeral hire

Don't worry our lad I'm just setting scene
A place where it's cold, damp, cruel and mean
Track Name: Where There's Muck
WHERE THERE'S MUCK

Following the smell of damp with aching rheumatoid cramp
Mrs Crabtree creaks down the stairs, she's been dead for years
Moth eaten moggy growls but she's unawares
Greenwood and Sutcliffe sleep, cat skull thrown into buttress deep
100,000 plague victims seep, into the mire

Nebby Nora twitches her curtains
She tuts disapprovingly
...of one thing I am certain
She's got her evil eye on me

Cold pikelets on filthy plate
Satanic mills, blackened, ice-cold slate
Tumours and communicable diseases
Greenies and violent sneezes

O' aye love, and 'How do Duck'
Yet another round of terrible of bad luck
'Where there's muck there's brass and brass there's muck'
..and this time things were real messy

I had to get out, take Punto t'coast
The scenic route through Snake Pass
Passing dead sheep and slithering snails
Far away over the dingily dales

Down to Scarborough and onto Robin Hoods Bay
I've seen the light of tomorrows new grey day

Murgatroyd were on me back, it were a big mistake
..and the stakes were high and so were I
A nose full of Khali a belly full of chips and gravy
You get nowt for owt in this game

I had taken all that brass, this kitty cat had all the cash
I loaded the shotgun and took off
With a boot full of bullets and a hacking cough
Consumption... at a private function

There were a time when Murgatroyd were good to me, '
E were right grand in his finery
That were before he started chasing bacon....
Before all the other lasses, the dogging and playground flashes
Now it were time to escape from that mardy MONSTER, the great apeth
Track Name: W.M.C
W.M.C

The working mans club and another jar
The dedicated driver passed out in the car
A sick stained kagool
I were no ones fool

Were it 4 in the morning? No, only five to nine
Slurring me words on soggy crisps, I felt fine
I knew the landlord since way back when
So he pumped from the barrel again and again

Half a mild and three pints of bitter
Another session ale that sends you to the shitter
Light and lager, a smooth warm stout
Whose for another round? it's me shout

A glass of pop for thee lad
Another beer for his dad
A shandy for Mandy and a whiskey for Mike
Scan the optics, choose what thee like

Tepid and stale from unclean pipes
Chipped broken teeth from dirty fights
Aye, get it down yee cake hole
It's good for the soul you know

Yer 'ead will hurt in morning
With stale breath when yer yawning

I headed outside and walked down ginnel
All the snickets in this town looked identical
Dirty washing hung out on the line to dry
A few dead birds who forgot to fly

I'd been here many, many times before
I were slightly foxed, slightly amused...
Totally boozed... I'd been abused... by mesen

I were lost physically and emotionally
Still cold in me thermals, I felt right nesh, me
A cold cuppa and another night of scraps and cold scran
Not fit for beast or man, eating an all day breakfast from a tin can.

Cold black pudding, brown as mud
Sucking squealing little piggies congealed blood

I didn't know if I were coming or going, tooing or throwing...up
Half rice, half chips.... without the gravy
Swirling head, ever so hazy

I were frozzen so got back inside
I put wood in hole and lit fire
I thought about Murgatroyd the MONSTER
and how he would send his guns for hire
Track Name: Grease A Gimlet
GREASE A GIMLET

Look at you bitch! All dolled up to a million.
Legs right up to your neck!
Marlboro Lights and nasty cat fights
Blood stained lips and ripped tights
High octane and low tar
Another goomar in a see through bra
Running away with a few G's, may as well be a billion.
Another weasel deal from skel like you. What were I thinking?
She really thinks who she is, this one. Dripping in gold just like a honeycomb.
Broken jaw and legs, yeah they gonna make you moan.
Stoopid dingus! What yer gonna be like with no fingers.
But you aint got enough brains to grease a gimlet.
Another greedy gal just stealing this mans mazuma.
You and yer stoopid bump gums. It'll be me or the button man calling for yer.
You wait n' see. I'm gonna drag you outta da laughing academe, get that head screwed on.
A real clean sneak! You rat! You freak! Another bindle stiff on the highway to nowhere.
It's gonna be worser than a trip to the BIG casino for a few quarts of Chemo.
Hi ho silver, another dirty rodeo. Slo mo! Faster pussy cat go go go!
You know I aint no Schmeboygah! and what's a scootch like you doing always busting me balls.
You got a lotta shit wichoo and I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts you're gonna be back.
You're giving me agita, it's gonna have me in a box in no time.
Track Name: Chasing Bacon
CHASING BACON

Chasing bacon another CHOP
A slice of breaded of ham, the greasy lot

Spare ribs covered in lard
Arteries clogged, stony hard

Porky scratchings and oily slop
'Your gonna like it, but not a lot'

'Ooooo I could crush a grape...' with wrath
Hacking up blood from a lung cancer cough

A greasy truckers fry up going down
"Eat as much as yer like" brand new to town

Clogged up bowels full of FAT
Another butty, another heart-attack

Bread pudding and Spotted DICK
Saturated fat as lumpy as an oil slick

Eccles cake covered in dripping
Bonfire toffee that takes some licking

Another long queue at the chippy
Another mouthful of Mr. Whippy

Pork pies thick with aspic, smothered in Branston pickle
The grim reapers laughing, coming for you with his sickle

Sucking another Manchester tart
Swollen, inflamed, bleeding heart

Gone off gold top and double cream
Strawberry jam, sandwiched in-between

Cold curry breakfast, an extra large kebab
High cholesterol and mountains of flab

Will it be chips? fried onion rings?
We'll just have to wait and see
Is it booze or fags or suet or lard
or steak and kidney puddings that are killing me

Chasing bacon, another slice
E.C.G : DEAD : COLD AS ICE
Track Name: A Dream, A Dream
A DREAM, A DREAM

Nowt for out
Nothing for a pair in this game
Where there's muck there's brass
A dream of dreams and big city scenes
The shining steel of Sheffield and the diseases of Doncaster
The dizzy heights across the border
Manchester...
Track Name: Travelodge
TRAVELODGE

Nine while nine, wating wating waiting.
The radiator clicked and ticked and so did clock.
Are they going to find me? I were so jiggered and mardy.
I had a neb out of window. No one there.
Just those goodtime friends, the wind and rain... the sleet the ice.

Murgatroyd must a been pretty ratty now.
I knew he would have monk on.
Everything mithered him, everything.
I were glad I escaped, with all his brass.
He'd be right chuffed if he could find me.
Eee by eck. He'd be sure to give me a right good threpping.

It were late that night when Harry and Christa broke me the news.
Murgatroyd were on warpath, crazy, wild and full of booze
I were flummoxed and tired of faffing about with this new gun
But the warning signs were there. I better move and get on the run.

I sneaked out, late it were.
Track Name: The Devils Dishes
THE DEVILS DISHES

Here you fucking go again breaking the devil's dishes.
I don't need no skevoose like you coming round here anymore.
Go climb up your thumb! Before they measure you up for the wooden kimono
Those little flippers are pretty swift when it comes to other peoples cush.
Just another Cujinette shaking her ass. Thinking your something special.
Your nuttin more than werehed up sticky Coney Island whitefish to me honey.
A funny-faced fat-fuck running off with me money.
Stop ringing that bell in me head like a third rate Shala-bubbala.
Drinking dat yeller piss from another cheesy pink banana.
Yeah you go skid-addle leaving me in a stream of shit without a paddle.
I'm gonna find you! We aint gonna chew that fat!
When I know where you are you aint gonna talk no more.
You'll be screaming, mercy, mercy, mercy, with four on the floor.
I shoulda put you in the can house with all those other cheap bims.
You can stop your yapping, soon yous gonna be Zotzed babe.
Couple of bean shooters gonna appear out of the dark.
A little bit of Chicago lightning, just for you kitten.
Yeah you always go over the edge with the rams, ten to many eel juices.
I betcha gowed-up again, and to think we used to drink from the same bottle.
All this for a few berries this is gonna be so eggs in the coffee to me.
I'm heeled baby, the high pillow a real Bruno. Watch out for the chopper squad!
Killing you is gonna be duck soup to me! Another Harlem sunset!
No croaker is gonna be able to put you back together.
Just another red light from the rattler. Hitting the tracks in pieces
Bye Bye Baby, baby bye bye. RUB OUT. It's time for the BIG one.
Track Name: A Brief Encounter
A BRIEF ENCOUNTER

Choo Choo
Cheerdie CUFF
Another smoke, another puff

Tonight I am on me heals - those MONSTERS are making ground.
Fog and mist are all around.
Silencer screwed on.
Our Mothers gone a killing, with little sound.

In-between rails and trains
Stepping over yellow stains
...and of course it rains and rains and rains

Another crash, hit-chin and bitchin', a Potters Bar
Clap-ham and a cross king
Bullets hissing through the steam
Run in the dark, never seen.

I got fire in me engine
Stoking - Poking - Choking
Steel wheels turning
Stomach churning

I can get out of this
To live another day
To cry another night
To make.....haste

They spot me, a brief encounter
I run, I load the gun

Jones the steam and fat controller
I set me sights down warm revolver
Thomas and Ivor have found me trail
I pick them off, it's easy as stamping on a snail

Bang Bang - you're dead
Shoot Shoot - full of lead
Clunk Click every trip
Re-arm! Reload another clip

That's it, so I'm free for now
But I'm sure the others will find me... some how
Track Name: Murgatroyd Attacks
MURGATROYD ATTACKS

How did he catch me?
I'm tied up and tortured
Another smack another crack

I were doing so well, killing those lads
I should of looked over me back
Before Murgatroyd attacked

There he were
A clunk on the noggin
...and I wake up here, feeling dead

I'm in dragons den
The lions lair
Gorra get out
No time to spare

He's shouting! asking me where all the brass were
But I had stashed it well
He can shout all he wants, he can go to HELL

I can do it though, jump up and go
The rope isn't strong, its as thin as string
I can escape, I can do this thing

I will be out of here, it won't take too long
He just needs to turn his back and I'll be gone
But o' no, here he guz again
Will this interrogation ever end?

He's got out the knives, another slash across the face
Murgatroyd the MONSTER is such a disgrace
All I need to do is reach down and grab his gun
Another great escape and off I run

I'm gonna get rid of this bastard once and for all
Shoot the fat bloater the repulsive fool
He will be pushing up daisies before the night is through

I'm all alone with just mesen to save
This MONSTER I'm going to petrify
In Mother Shiptons cave
Just another small time crook
Destined for a shallow grave

I'll be free and the cash will be mine
Onto to Brid for opening time
... a sour glass of red
From a bottle of screw top wine
Track Name: Closing Scene
CLOSING SCENE

A little more and I'll be there
Just squeezing out this chair

Undoing the ropes
His back his turned

Here's me chance

Wait just one more minute
Here I go

I got his gun!

BLAM!

I'm busting out
Free at last
Murgatroyd is dead
5 bullets in his head

The wooden tops won't even care he is gone
and I can run free

...and that episode is over
I can sleep well - happy in clover

Well that's me story from the north
...to you in the south and east and west and maybe wider

Take it from me
NEVER cross a lass who stole your cash