MURGATROYD THE MONSTER (A NORTHERN NOIR)

by Andrew Liles

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  • There are a number of records that I sentimentalise, rightly or wrongly, regardless of their musical importance or wider artistic significance. They mark transitions in my personal or emotional life, or they are simply a soundtrack to a moment locked in time.

    On my birthday, March 11th 1985 one such ‘personal’ album was released. The Sisters of Mercy L.P. ‘First and Last and Always’.

    30 years later to the exact day I released my version of ‘First and Last and Always’ as ‘First Monster Last Monster Always Monster’. Another instalment in the MONSTER set of releases. ‘First Monster Last Monster Always Monster’ is an instrumental, electronic adaptation of the entire Sisters album. My version to some may be a travesty, deemed a novelty recording, even considered sacrilege by others, the devil may care but I don’t mind, those opinions do not concern me. This is my heartfelt homage to a moment in time and a wonderful album.
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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of QUONDAM, FEARENZE, AIRS ABOVE THE GROUND, 1221, CRACKED, MORAL NIHILIST PART FOUR (A PLACE OF NOTHINGNESS), STEP OUTSIDE YOUR ACCEPTED REALITY, DULY NOTED, and 101 more. , and , .

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1.
SETTING SCENE It were another ice cold night in Keighley East of the city of the dead, the murdered On the corpse road, cobbles worn thin by crippled packhorses Sanjeev had gone out in the fog, hunting, grooming By the light of the silvery moon, full to the brim, swooning Under flimsy clouds, humming a brass band tune Another day of stabbings and twattings Moss eaten dry stone walls, wet crevices and sticky cracks Vomit winds its way, building from a watery puddle into a stream Broken bottles, fish, chips, mushy peas and screams Watery, milky juice from mini-skirt dreams A regular evening of misery In another dirty, hostelry of hostility Another day that's dowly That plods on... hourly Curry sauce, pickled onions and eggs Click clacking of clogs, tip tapping segs Pigeons fly home over hills far from Bingley or Batley On tops or in the valleys, street urchins and scallies Burnt oven bottom baps, a sickly slice of Parkin Barm cake, another flat bottle of pop You get nowt for out, and that's not a lot Go to the foot of our stairs Take the Stannah to the stars Threadbare carpets and rusty cars Dog fur soured and the stench of aunties hankie. Pankie Three bar electric fire and unscrupulous funeral hire Don't worry our lad I'm just setting scene A place where it's cold, damp, cruel and mean
2.
WHERE THERE'S MUCK Following the smell of damp with aching rheumatoid cramp Mrs Crabtree creaks down the stairs, she's been dead for years Moth eaten moggy growls but she's unawares Greenwood and Sutcliffe sleep, cat skull thrown into buttress deep 100,000 plague victims seep, into the mire Nebby Nora twitches her curtains She tuts disapprovingly ...of one thing I am certain She's got her evil eye on me Cold pikelets on filthy plate Satanic mills, blackened, ice-cold slate Tumours and communicable diseases Greenies and violent sneezes O' aye love, and 'How do Duck' Yet another round of terrible of bad luck 'Where there's muck there's brass and brass there's muck' ..and this time things were real messy I had to get out, take Punto t'coast The scenic route through Snake Pass Passing dead sheep and slithering snails Far away over the dingily dales Down to Scarborough and onto Robin Hoods Bay I've seen the light of tomorrows new grey day Murgatroyd were on me back, it were a big mistake ..and the stakes were high and so were I A nose full of Khali a belly full of chips and gravy You get nowt for owt in this game I had taken all that brass, this kitty cat had all the cash I loaded the shotgun and took off With a boot full of bullets and a hacking cough Consumption... at a private function There were a time when Murgatroyd were good to me, ' E were right grand in his finery That were before he started chasing bacon.... Before all the other lasses, the dogging and playground flashes Now it were time to escape from that mardy MONSTER, the great apeth
3.
Escape 02:28
4.
W.M.C 04:47
W.M.C The working mans club and another jar The dedicated driver passed out in the car A sick stained kagool I were no ones fool Were it 4 in the morning? No, only five to nine Slurring me words on soggy crisps, I felt fine I knew the landlord since way back when So he pumped from the barrel again and again Half a mild and three pints of bitter Another session ale that sends you to the shitter Light and lager, a smooth warm stout Whose for another round? it's me shout A glass of pop for thee lad Another beer for his dad A shandy for Mandy and a whiskey for Mike Scan the optics, choose what thee like Tepid and stale from unclean pipes Chipped broken teeth from dirty fights Aye, get it down yee cake hole It's good for the soul you know Yer 'ead will hurt in morning With stale breath when yer yawning I headed outside and walked down ginnel All the snickets in this town looked identical Dirty washing hung out on the line to dry A few dead birds who forgot to fly I'd been here many, many times before I were slightly foxed, slightly amused... Totally boozed... I'd been abused... by mesen I were lost physically and emotionally Still cold in me thermals, I felt right nesh, me A cold cuppa and another night of scraps and cold scran Not fit for beast or man, eating an all day breakfast from a tin can. Cold black pudding, brown as mud Sucking squealing little piggies congealed blood I didn't know if I were coming or going, tooing or throwing...up Half rice, half chips.... without the gravy Swirling head, ever so hazy I were frozzen so got back inside I put wood in hole and lit fire I thought about Murgatroyd the MONSTER and how he would send his guns for hire
5.
GREASE A GIMLET Look at you bitch! All dolled up to a million. Legs right up to your neck! Marlboro Lights and nasty cat fights Blood stained lips and ripped tights High octane and low tar Another goomar in a see through bra Running away with a few G's, may as well be a billion. Another weasel deal from skel like you. What were I thinking? She really thinks who she is, this one. Dripping in gold just like a honeycomb. Broken jaw and legs, yeah they gonna make you moan. Stoopid dingus! What yer gonna be like with no fingers. But you aint got enough brains to grease a gimlet. Another greedy gal just stealing this mans mazuma. You and yer stoopid bump gums. It'll be me or the button man calling for yer. You wait n' see. I'm gonna drag you outta da laughing academe, get that head screwed on. A real clean sneak! You rat! You freak! Another bindle stiff on the highway to nowhere. It's gonna be worser than a trip to the BIG casino for a few quarts of Chemo. Hi ho silver, another dirty rodeo. Slo mo! Faster pussy cat go go go! You know I aint no Schmeboygah! and what's a scootch like you doing always busting me balls. You got a lotta shit wichoo and I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts you're gonna be back. You're giving me agita, it's gonna have me in a box in no time.
6.
CHASING BACON Chasing bacon another CHOP A slice of breaded of ham, the greasy lot Spare ribs covered in lard Arteries clogged, stony hard Porky scratchings and oily slop 'Your gonna like it, but not a lot' 'Ooooo I could crush a grape...' with wrath Hacking up blood from a lung cancer cough A greasy truckers fry up going down "Eat as much as yer like" brand new to town Clogged up bowels full of FAT Another butty, another heart-attack Bread pudding and Spotted DICK Saturated fat as lumpy as an oil slick Eccles cake covered in dripping Bonfire toffee that takes some licking Another long queue at the chippy Another mouthful of Mr. Whippy Pork pies thick with aspic, smothered in Branston pickle The grim reapers laughing, coming for you with his sickle Sucking another Manchester tart Swollen, inflamed, bleeding heart Gone off gold top and double cream Strawberry jam, sandwiched in-between Cold curry breakfast, an extra large kebab High cholesterol and mountains of flab Will it be chips? fried onion rings? We'll just have to wait and see Is it booze or fags or suet or lard or steak and kidney puddings that are killing me Chasing bacon, another slice E.C.G : DEAD : COLD AS ICE
7.
A DREAM, A DREAM Nowt for out Nothing for a pair in this game Where there's muck there's brass A dream of dreams and big city scenes The shining steel of Sheffield and the diseases of Doncaster The dizzy heights across the border Manchester...
8.
Travelodge 01:39
TRAVELODGE Nine while nine, wating wating waiting. The radiator clicked and ticked and so did clock. Are they going to find me? I were so jiggered and mardy. I had a neb out of window. No one there. Just those goodtime friends, the wind and rain... the sleet the ice. Murgatroyd must a been pretty ratty now. I knew he would have monk on. Everything mithered him, everything. I were glad I escaped, with all his brass. He'd be right chuffed if he could find me. Eee by eck. He'd be sure to give me a right good threpping. It were late that night when Harry and Christa broke me the news. Murgatroyd were on warpath, crazy, wild and full of booze I were flummoxed and tired of faffing about with this new gun But the warning signs were there. I better move and get on the run. I sneaked out, late it were.
9.
THE DEVILS DISHES Here you fucking go again breaking the devil's dishes. I don't need no skevoose like you coming round here anymore. Go climb up your thumb! Before they measure you up for the wooden kimono Those little flippers are pretty swift when it comes to other peoples cush. Just another Cujinette shaking her ass. Thinking your something special. Your nuttin more than werehed up sticky Coney Island whitefish to me honey. A funny-faced fat-fuck running off with me money. Stop ringing that bell in me head like a third rate Shala-bubbala. Drinking dat yeller piss from another cheesy pink banana. Yeah you go skid-addle leaving me in a stream of shit without a paddle. I'm gonna find you! We aint gonna chew that fat! When I know where you are you aint gonna talk no more. You'll be screaming, mercy, mercy, mercy, with four on the floor. I shoulda put you in the can house with all those other cheap bims. You can stop your yapping, soon yous gonna be Zotzed babe. Couple of bean shooters gonna appear out of the dark. A little bit of Chicago lightning, just for you kitten. Yeah you always go over the edge with the rams, ten to many eel juices. I betcha gowed-up again, and to think we used to drink from the same bottle. All this for a few berries this is gonna be so eggs in the coffee to me. I'm heeled baby, the high pillow a real Bruno. Watch out for the chopper squad! Killing you is gonna be duck soup to me! Another Harlem sunset! No croaker is gonna be able to put you back together. Just another red light from the rattler. Hitting the tracks in pieces Bye Bye Baby, baby bye bye. RUB OUT. It's time for the BIG one.
10.
A BRIEF ENCOUNTER Choo Choo Cheerdie CUFF Another smoke, another puff Tonight I am on me heals - those MONSTERS are making ground. Fog and mist are all around. Silencer screwed on. Our Mothers gone a killing, with little sound. In-between rails and trains Stepping over yellow stains ...and of course it rains and rains and rains Another crash, hit-chin and bitchin', a Potters Bar Clap-ham and a cross king Bullets hissing through the steam Run in the dark, never seen. I got fire in me engine Stoking - Poking - Choking Steel wheels turning Stomach churning I can get out of this To live another day To cry another night To make.....haste They spot me, a brief encounter I run, I load the gun Jones the steam and fat controller I set me sights down warm revolver Thomas and Ivor have found me trail I pick them off, it's easy as stamping on a snail Bang Bang - you're dead Shoot Shoot - full of lead Clunk Click every trip Re-arm! Reload another clip That's it, so I'm free for now But I'm sure the others will find me... some how
11.
MURGATROYD ATTACKS How did he catch me? I'm tied up and tortured Another smack another crack I were doing so well, killing those lads I should of looked over me back Before Murgatroyd attacked There he were A clunk on the noggin ...and I wake up here, feeling dead I'm in dragons den The lions lair Gorra get out No time to spare He's shouting! asking me where all the brass were But I had stashed it well He can shout all he wants, he can go to HELL I can do it though, jump up and go The rope isn't strong, its as thin as string I can escape, I can do this thing I will be out of here, it won't take too long He just needs to turn his back and I'll be gone But o' no, here he guz again Will this interrogation ever end? He's got out the knives, another slash across the face Murgatroyd the MONSTER is such a disgrace All I need to do is reach down and grab his gun Another great escape and off I run I'm gonna get rid of this bastard once and for all Shoot the fat bloater the repulsive fool He will be pushing up daisies before the night is through I'm all alone with just mesen to save This MONSTER I'm going to petrify In Mother Shiptons cave Just another small time crook Destined for a shallow grave I'll be free and the cash will be mine Onto to Brid for opening time ... a sour glass of red From a bottle of screw top wine
12.
CLOSING SCENE A little more and I'll be there Just squeezing out this chair Undoing the ropes His back his turned Here's me chance Wait just one more minute Here I go I got his gun! BLAM! I'm busting out Free at last Murgatroyd is dead 5 bullets in his head The wooden tops won't even care he is gone and I can run free ...and that episode is over I can sleep well - happy in clover Well that's me story from the north ...to you in the south and east and west and maybe wider Take it from me NEVER cross a lass who stole your cash

about

This recording was originally released for Record Store Day in 2013. It was issued by Blackest Rainbow Records on clear vinyl in an edition of 300 copies.

The album is inspired by film noir, Yorkshire and Lancashire dialect and slang and the excellent Red Riding (a television adaptation of author David Peace’s Red Riding Quartet).

The album can and should be considered as part radio play, part celebration of northern English culture and an appreciation of language. The words are included in the 'lyrics' of each track to confuse and bemuse the listener.

HEROINE: ALEX JAKO
MURGATROYD: M. S .WALDRON
DREAMER: MATT TAYLOR
CELLO: KATIE CHATBURN

DESCEND AND DISINTEGRATE

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released April 20, 2013

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Andrew Liles UK

Andrew Liles is a prolific solo artist, producer, remixer and sometime member of Nurse With Wound and Current 93.

Guide to downloads:

Green Border: Liles solo releases.

Green Image: Monster releases.

Green Circles: Monochromatic releases.

Grey with Liles logo: Moral Nihilist releases.

Green Dots: Live Recordings

White border: Collaborations and Remixes.
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