by Andrew Liles

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  • There are a number of records that I sentimentalise, rightly or wrongly, regardless of their musical importance or wider artistic significance. They mark transitions in my personal or emotional life, or they are simply a soundtrack to a moment locked in time.

    On my birthday, March 11th 1985 one such ‘personal’ album was released. The Sisters of Mercy L.P. ‘First and Last and Always’.

    30 years later to the exact day I released my version of ‘First and Last and Always’ as ‘First Monster Last Monster Always Monster’. Another instalment in the MONSTER set of releases. ‘First Monster Last Monster Always Monster’ is an instrumental, electronic adaptation of the entire Sisters album. My version to some may be a travesty, deemed a novelty recording, even considered sacrilege by others, the devil may care but I don’t mind, those opinions do not concern me. This is my heartfelt homage to a moment in time and a wonderful album.
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DREAMY GORGEOUS MONSTER I’m the monster Creature of legend I’m the monster Nobody’s friend I’m the Dreamy Gorgeous Monster I eat you out and suck you in I’m the Dreamy Gorgeous Monster Overweight and far from slim I’m obsessed with you and you with me I scare you to death you want to flee Turn you over and slide it in I’m inside you up to the brim Spurting pointless verbal diarrhoea And vertically transmitted gonorrhea An artisan of the puerile An expert in the futile I’ve got myxomatosis, halitosis And deep vein thrombosis Lick the fat from the griddle Make you pop and sizzle I have athlete’s foot and verucas Take shouting fits and uncontrollable stupors I have bruises, cuts and scars Thousands of dead insects kept in jars You’re my baby let me change your diaper Fumble about see what I can decipher Let me scrape around and find your forbidden treasure In filth so stomach wrenching it’s hard to measure I’m a dislodged bowel A blocked sink A foul permanent uncontrollable stink I’m a sticky abortion a freak of nature A truly cantankerous odious creature Pick off the crust and peel my dermatitis Suck my eyes and lick the crumbly conjunctivitis Let me give you a migraine or crabs and herpes And throw in some old fashioned viral disease You could say I’m spooky yet charming With a girth that is alarming You ask me to show you how Pant and plead and shout ‘WOW!’ I’m a subhuman wreck transfixed with you So come along and taste my milky glue Like a murderer on death row that ladies long to meet You don’t know why but you’re in far to deep I’m a malevolent spirit who has been type cast I’m gonna rip you up but you wont be the last I’ve time for your mother and sister too Just got to cause chaos and hullabaloo I‘m devoted to terrorism and unnecessary force Bringing about hurt and matrimonial divorce Pushing fat pregnant women down stairs Shocking people when they are unawares I commend D.I.Y dentistry And suffer fools unpleasantly Suck boils that have turned septic Fry ribs and hips of an anorexic I want your squid and to kiss your sturgeon You’re my patient and I’m the surgeon Let me open you up and peep inside Rub in barbed wire and formaldehyde I love aliens from out-of-space and cosmic debris Swamp things, slime, puss and oozing algae Philanphoripist fill me with despair Nothing is finer than the electric chair I’m the cause of glass to smash And wild animals teeth to gnash I have no idea on the concepts of wrong or right I’m pyromaniac that can’t stop setting things alight I sniff dung and all kinds of rotten matter I commend libellous and slanderous chatter I spread lies, gossip and insinuations I flourish on scandal and insubordination I like all things to be hard and fast Have faith in things that just don’t last Nothing is finer than a global catastrophe A person’s loss or upsetting calamity Let me give you colonic irrigation A never-ending cycle of ovulation Let me crack your eggs and you can chew my bacon Smothered from the proceeds of your menstruation I dream of kidnap, extortion and death threats Carbon monoxide suffocation in ‘buy–to–lets’ And all those old people who die alone Yes you could say I have a heart of stone I think I enjoy amnesia and bulimia I live with dementia and drink anaesthesia I have pungent chronic gastroenteritis And dose of life threatening peritonitis I adore the occasional natural disaster And stories without a happily ever after What is more fun than a nuclear explosion? And train crashes caused by metal corrosion I like to eat dolphins and whales And cutting off puppy dog tails Vandalism, rape and robbery Tedium and all forms of drudgery I have mites, lice, nits and fleas A pack of hounds with rabies I laugh at starvation And unlawful incarceration I am the calm before the storm Sharp and piercing as a thorn Rotting inside from septicaemia Ashen white with anaemia Like a pig rummaging in the trough Dribbling over you, looking to scoff Ruminating on parted folds and flaps Squeezing devils dumplings and saggy paps I’ve got welts and hideous acne Not even a mother could love me I’ve got a bundle of chromosomes to share And from washing lines I steal underwear Let me give you an enema So I can study the ephemera Lets wade in the spillage And sticky silage I giggle at plastic surgery mishaps And rampages of homicidal maniacs Crazed axe murder and abattoirs Dead animals floating in reservoirs Foot and mouth and toxic waste Chopped up bodies in a suitcase Idiots, cretins and imbeciles Corporate murder and other kills Dirty wayward little girls The fish mongers smells Dementia and hypertension Corporeal punishment and correction I’m a necromancer Nocturnal dancer I’m macabre and weird Something to be feared I’m a monosyllabic moron Cut myself through boredom I’ve got scrofula and tuberculosis Delusions of grandeur and other neurosis I’m itchy with scabies Pushing up daisies A vampire sucking on souls An actor of many roles I’m paranoid and neurotic An angst ridden psychotic I’m looking at you about to impose my will I’m looking at you with an aim to thrill I have an incredible hulk Sure to make you bulk But you just drink more Writhing all over the floor I’ve a strange persona And double pneumonia Admire the art of strangulation Indulge myself in mutual masturbation I love to unstitch an infibulated vagina Steal your medication for acute angina Cause you a pulmonary collapse And an abdominal prolapse I have multiple defects And suffer side effects From a damaged brain Immersed in the inane I’m an autisc astmatic Deranged epeliptic I can’t control myself I’m bad for your health I am a crime against nature and god Don’t spare the child – use the rod Anxiety ridden and morbid Frustrated perplexed and deluded I welcome brutal regimes And lethal killing machines I worship tyrants and satanic dictators I am revolted by genteel emancipators I’ve a fascination for gooey entrails Crucifying the innocent using nails Nothing charms me more than electrocution In a mental home or similar institution I’m a flesh creeping Gonzoid A downs syndrome mongoloid A voodoo zombie hybrid A man born with two heads I’m a paraplegic in wolves clothing A wild bear that’s gone a roaming Physically and psychologically hideous Abominal and nefarious Often I drink from poisoned lagoons And swim with snakes during monsoons I conspire with alligators and crocodiles And smile when I think of paedophiles I bump and grind all night And I’m sure to give you a fright And when you think it’s all over and done I do it again twice as hard just for fun I leave you howling at the moon For you it’s over far too soon You shout and scream ‘Do it to me one more time’ I fetch the cream the agony’s sublime I’m the ogre! The beast! Munching away at the cannibal feast I like to dig up carcasses and eat the brains Sniff your panties and lick the stains Ladies want me whether they know it or not I’m a dinosaur from the land that time forgot All the girls, dreamy and gorgeous Beg and plead with this Tyrannosaurus My body is a temple full of gloop and junk Ventricles and arteries clogged with gunk Choking up meaty bile and coughing phlegm I’d like to think I was a prince amongst men I smoke asbestos with lungs all black and blue Stale milk breath and bleeding gums to chew I have a huge stomach that bubbles and burns From a life long diet eating maggots and worms I watch another holocaust from my room with a view Decomposing remains in the corner are nothing new Flies buzz around the corpses that have turned crusty Moss grows on the skulls and bones that are ever so musty With matted hair and webbed feet You really look good enough to eat So I am going to follow you all night long Until you despair and join my throng I am partial to the aroma of turpentine and melting plastics Making love to deep-sea creatures and sexual spastics I adore war and plagues and guns and genocide Agent Orange and the misuse of chemical pesticide Car crashes and industrial accidents never bore me And nothing’s more charming than a drowning at sea I fantasise about severed limbs, shootings and decapitations Cholera, cancer and drug-induced hallucinations I collect broken rubbish I am a harbinger of diseases I foam at the mouth and keep dog and cat faeces I puree toenails and drink them by the glass I’m a beast of burden a real pain in the ass I kick up the dust amongst the rust and uranium With ugly thoughts in my radioactive cranium I am fond of the patterns caused by acid on skin I find nothing more pleasing than the ultimate sin I’m a mumbling mutant with a furry tail Licking your pungent snail trail I reek of fish, old cheese and decay Munching chunks of vomit, curds and whey I’m Godzilla with a libido Destruction feeds my ego I fondle and caress myself I get hard and rigid I want to bust open the doors of the timid and frigid I bathe in blood from sanitary towels Shower in mud and other things foul I kiss little children and smash in their teeth You could say my depravity is beyond belief I long for dark miserable nights and despise the day I reside in the tower with a sign that declares ‘stay away’ I’m proud to be a sociopath, evil, cruel and sadistic My chances for rehabilitation are unrealistic I’m unreasonable and uncaring I only consider pain for sharing I am full hate, violence and self-pity I’m King Kong smashing up your city I drool all over you and study what you are wearing And I think about the holes you have for tearing I imagine your tangled straw all warm and damp Open the portcullis and drag you along the ramp I want you to go to the toilet on my lap, then my face I want you to do things that will fill you with disgrace Do something that makes your father wish he had died And internal stuff your mother yearns to have tried I’m sick, ill and morally objectionable Have three eyes and an octopus tentacle I have carbuncles and ugly lumps A contorted spine and various humps My clothes are fashioned from raw meat Stinking dead rat shoes I wear on my feet I have horrid hands just like those of lepers Warts on my face similar to red peppers My teeth are green, rotten and twisted A gaping brown hole perpetually fisted Knobbly knees and a hideously hairy back A leaking colon that is eternally slack So have these verses been about me? No, that’s not true at all you see Because you are me and I am you We are the monster…it’s all we can do


Originally released by Timeless Editions with a book in 2014.

This expanded version of Dreamy Gorgeous Monster includes an extra 29 minute version of the song. This previously abandoned version was initially intended to be a 5.1 mix for a DVD.

Dreamy is a vile, ridiculous, sickening, relentless rhyming sonnet of 70 verses.

The book was a collection of exotic and erotic images that had been extensively adapted and collaged in Photoshop and spread over 48 pages. Three printers (KDG, SNA and MPO) in France refused to manufacture this book.

The book evolved over 5 years and eventually found a home at Timeless, the amazing French art publisher, who have issued books by some of my favourite artists including Val Denham, Trevor Brown and Shintaro Kago.

Narration on the CD comes from Maude Swift.



released June 23, 2014


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Andrew Liles UK

Andrew Liles is a prolific solo artist, producer, remixer and sometime member of Nurse With Wound and Current 93.

Guide to downloads:

Green Border: Liles Solo Releases.

Green Image: Monster Releases.

Green Circles: Monochromatic Releases.

Grey with Liles Black Metal Logo: Moral Nihilist Releases.

Green Dots: Live Recordings

White Border: Collaborations and Remixes.
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